I have desires that wont let go of me. Desires to write songs that come from the heart and to play them all over the world. I've been able to step on some stages and sing in front of some very amazing people. I've been able to hear now and again how a song I've penned has brought encouragement to someone. That's a very humbling thing to hear.
As this year has come and now is drawing to a close, I realize I haven't done as much as I should have to sit down and write songs from my pain and the comfort I've received as I've been carried by Christ. It's been 18 months since my sons passing. I looked at a picture Jessica had sitting on our counter today. It was taken his last Christmas. We took a trip to the mall, just Noah and I. My goal that night was to ride the train with him inside the mall here in Birmingham and to buy him a toy. As we walked through the mall I saw the Santa display. I asked him if he wanted to see Santa. Of course his answer was yes. We waited in line and made it to the front. As he approached this big man dressed as Santa I could see him smiling. He sat on his knee and told the man what he wanted for Christmas, then it was time for the picture. In the picture the man dressed as Santa looked right at the camera. Noah however has a huge grin on his face and I know it was caught in mid laughter. But he wasn't looking at the camera. He was looking slightly down and to the right of it.
That's where I was sitting.
I was under the camera, making faces at him, trying to get that amazing smile he had to come out. It did make for a good picture. But today as I saw it again I couldn't hold back the tears. He was so full of laughter all the time. It's what we did best - laughed - a lot. He wasn't smiling because he was on Santa's lap, he was smiling at me.
I miss him so much. I miss his smile and his laugh. There is an emptiness in our lives that follows us everywhere. Even after all this time, our hearts still hurt so deeply from his death.
Every day something like this happens. I'm faced with his memory everywhere. Often I do or say something that reminds me of him. Jessica and I continually catch each other saying his little phrases or making his faces. We have so many reminders of him everywhere. This has not been easy.
Many have not forgotten. We have been so loved and encouraged by those around us. But what has held us up more than anything is the encouragement and love we have received from God.
Jessica and I have never had an explanation from God on why He took Noah. We do not and I suppose will not ever understand why he died so young and in such a terrible way. What we do understand is that God is sovereign. We understand that He has not left us and He is not punishing us. We know He is not mean or without compassion. We know that He still has a plan for us.
The last few months have been very difficult for Jessica and I. But in the difficulty we find the word of God become reality. He strengthens the weak, comforts those who mourn, gives grace to the sinner, encourages the discouraged and directs the ones who cannot see the next step on the path. We are loved by a Father who not only holds our son for eternity, but also holds onto us in the temporary. Because of this ... we can still stand.
I have hope that God will open doors for me to sing the songs written from my pain to those who would benefit from hearing them. I figure if these desires aren't going away then I should probably pursue them. I am hoping for new songs and new stages to stand on. Please pray for us to know HIs path and His will for our lives.
Thanks for loving us and praying for us!