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A step forward

11/10/2013

9 Comments

 
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It's been a long time since I've written anything on this blog. I haven't made the time to write and I haven't wanted to journal my journey in grief publicly. But I figure now is as good of a time as any to start writing and perhaps someone will get something good from these random thoughts. 


I have desires that wont let go of me. Desires to write songs that come from the heart and to play them all over the world. I've been able to step on some stages and sing in front of some very amazing people. I've been able to hear now and again how a song I've penned has brought encouragement to someone. That's a very humbling thing to hear. 


As this year has come and now is drawing to a close, I realize I haven't done as much as I should have to sit down and write songs from my pain and the comfort I've received as I've been carried by Christ. It's been 18 months since my sons passing. I looked at a picture Jessica had sitting on our counter today. It was taken his last Christmas. We took a trip to the mall, just Noah and I. My goal that night was to ride the train with him inside the mall here in Birmingham and to buy him a toy. As we walked through the mall I saw the Santa display. I asked him if he wanted to see Santa. Of course his answer was yes. We waited in line and made it to the front. As he approached this big man dressed as Santa I could see him smiling. He sat on his knee and told the man what he wanted for Christmas, then it was time for the picture. In the picture the man dressed as Santa looked right at the camera. Noah however has a huge grin on his face and I know it was caught in mid laughter. But he wasn't looking at the camera. He was looking slightly down and to the right of it. 


That's where I was sitting.


I was under the camera, making faces at him, trying to get that amazing smile he had to come out. It did make for a good picture. But today as I saw it again I couldn't  hold back the tears. He was so full of laughter all the time. It's what we did best - laughed - a lot. He wasn't smiling because he was on Santa's lap, he was smiling at me. 


I miss him so much. I miss his smile and his laugh. There is an emptiness in our lives that follows us everywhere. Even after all this time, our hearts still hurt so deeply from his death. 


Every day something like this happens. I'm faced with his memory everywhere. Often I do or say something that reminds me of him. Jessica and I continually catch each other saying his little phrases or making his faces. We have so many reminders of him everywhere. This has not been easy. 


Many have not forgotten. We have been so loved and encouraged by those around us. But what has held us up more than anything is the encouragement and love we have received from God. 
Jessica and I have never had an explanation from God on why He took Noah. We do not and I suppose will not ever understand why he died so young and in such a terrible way. What we do understand is that God is sovereign. We understand that He has not left us and He is not punishing us. We know He is not mean or  without compassion. We know that He still has a plan for us. 


The last few months have been very difficult for Jessica and I. But in the difficulty we find the word of God become reality. He strengthens the weak, comforts those who mourn, gives grace to the sinner, encourages the discouraged and directs the ones who cannot see the next step on the path. We are loved by a Father who not only holds our son for eternity, but also holds onto us in the temporary. Because of this ... we can still stand. 


I have hope that God will open doors for me to sing the songs written from my pain to those who would benefit from hearing them. I figure if these desires aren't going away then I should probably pursue them. I am hoping for new songs and new stages to stand on.  Please pray for us to know HIs path and His will for our lives. 
Thanks for loving us and praying for us!

9 Comments

March 25th, 2013

3/25/2013

1 Comment

 
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March 25, 2013
So... here we are. This is a picture of Jessica and Sonya, her mother, at Noah's marker in Athens. His birthday has passed, Easter is right around the corner and life is still moving. We are continually living with grief. One moment we are smiling & laughing at something funny - then crying because Noah would have thought it would have been funny too and we cant hear him laugh anymore. People move on. People forget. We don't parade our feelings of pain around. We aren't that kind of people. But sometimes it is hard to be in public. Workers in restaurants in Hoover must think I'm crazy because one of us usually cries at each one we are at if we are alone. Seeing a kids menu, hearing another child or seeing a family eating together - it all brings grief to the front of our thoughts. 

So here we are. We had our picture taken for a directory for our church recently. We dreaded it. We put it off, even postponed it and rescheduled. When the day arrived we  sat in front of the camera with the over the top happy photographer instructing us to hold our heads in postions we ever hold them in real life for this picture. It was our first family picture without him. During the shoot he asked us if we had any kids. It was a knife to the heart. We made it through the session. We even took some silly pictures for fun. We do our best to cover our pain with laughter. It works most of the time. 

I am not sure what is next for us. I know that Easter is Sunday and I know this sounds bad but I already dread it. Last year we all woke up  to a happy morning with new toys, a basket of candy and a little boy with life in his eyes. This year we wake up with a memory, put one foot in front of the other and decide once more to step forward. I am thankful to celebrate Easter for what it represents - Christ risen to be our savior. I know that this Easter - somewhere -  at the same time Noah and I will be worshiping the same God and Savior. 

1 Comment

The aftermath

8/2/2012

4 Comments

 
It's august second, 11 weeks - 77 days since Noah passed away. Not one minute that has passed makes any of this any easier. The fact is - it's only getting harder.


I am not really sure why I have a desire to write this down, but at one point in our life Noah's blog was a place to get our thoughts out of our head and that was sometimes a feeling of relief. Sometimes writing something down and getting it out releases some pressure built up in my head. So here goes - the rants of a man who has been damaged by the loss of his son. 


I said it's getting harder. It gets harder every day. Today I was in a retail store and walked by several Star Wars toys for the first time in 11 weeks. I stood in front of them and once again realized I will never purchase any toy for Noah again. There isn't a good word I can find to describe this feeling. It's like a black hole is suddenly created inside my heart and it immediately sucks out every happy thought I may have had that day. There is so much truth in that horrible phrase "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" but I don't feel that I didn't know what I had in Noah, I did. I had the greatest son a father could ever wish for. It seems like everything I see reminds me of what I will never have with him. He is gone. I will never get to do all of the things I dreamed of doing with him. 


Today I saw a parent running beside their child riding a bike in our neighbor hood - it brought pain. I bought tickets to a movie (Brave) the other day that we wanted to take Noah to before he died - it brought pain. I sat in Ruby Tuesdays restaurant at lunch and there were no crayons on the table, no fries thrown on the floor and no real reason to order cake for desert - it brought pain.
 The house we live in is such a bitter sweet environment. In one thought I am very glad to have such a nice place to sleep and in the next thought I can't stand to look at any part of it because just a short time ago He was here - He sat on this couch, he slept in that bed, he ate at that table, he bathed in that tub, he opened that fridge, he pushed that chair over to the counter, climbed on that counter and his hands grabbed that coffee mug. His hands turned on that coffee maker and he knew just how to fix my coffee. Every part of this house brings pain. 


Making coffee now just feels like a hammer hitting my heart. There is no escape from this great pain. He will never come back to us and the reality of that statement gets worse with every step of my day. 


I have kept myself very busy. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I am usually very tired and when I am tired all I want to do is see Noah. I watch videos of him and look at every little detail of his pictures but these things don't satisfy my heart. They only pacify the feeling of sadness that I have. 
I do my best not to suffer publicly. I don't have a real desire to try and explain the way I am feeling in person. People ask me how I am and I usually respond "good enough" - it's a great way to look someone in the eye and not lie to their face. If I told someone how I really felt every day I would probably scare most everyone I come in contact with. 


How do you tell someone "thanks for asking how I am, to answer your question - A huge piece of my life is gone and I am simply existing at this moment doing my best not to go crazy"   Nobody expects to hear that at a greeting and pretty soon that answer gets old to the hearers. 


I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on either. And I feel so weird writing all of this down, but a part of me wants to scream it to the world what it feels like to want to be a dad so badly, to have a son with every character strength I could desire, then to watch him suffer and eventually die a very painful death and then have the emptiness inside that you are no longer a dad and you will never hold your son again on this earth. I'm not looking for pity or for sympathetic words - I just need to say that the loss of Noah has left me so badly damaged that I don't know what to do. 


I have lost the reason for so many things in my life. I have lost so much of my purpose. I have lost so many dreams. 


There is a constant thought that I didn't do enough or that I did the wrong thing. For 11 weeks there has been no comfort or escape from these feelings. Unless you have experienced this event in your own life - losing your only child to a long drawn out fight against cancer, you have no idea what this feels like. There are no parallels. When these thoughts hit, the only thing to do is get busy doing something and escape - I have never been more busy in my life. 


Jessica and I have a strong marriage - she is definitely the better half, but we have lost that sense of being a family. It's one thing to be married 7 years and never have children of your own that you've raised. You don't have the complete mindset of a parent. You don't have the priorities of a parent. It's another thing to have a child, love that child with every fiber of your being, sacrifice for that child, build your world around that child, dream, teach, learn, discipline, laugh and play with that child and then loose them. One minute you are so proud of having your family, the next minute you don't feel like a family anymore. You are forced to cease looking at things the same. You feel guilty that you now have different priorities. You feel guilty having the T.V. on and loud after 9pm. I feel guilty deciding where to eat without considering what Noah would want. I feel guilty about going to a store to purchase something for myself without getting something for Noah. I feel guilty about even thinking of a vacation without Noah being part of the equation. I have lost my title as 'dad' and the sting


I LOVED being a dad. I was so proud to be Noah's dad. He brought me so much joy as my son. I loved watching Noah and Jessica. Her role as a mom was the most beautiful thing to watch. He loved her so much and they were so very close. She LOVED being noah's mom - and now the things we loved so much about our family died with Noah. 


Perhaps I am getting all of this out because on a night like tonight I don't want it all to stay in my head. For 11 weeks I have kept most of this inside. 


I'm missing Noah so badly that there is a physical pain in the sadness at times. And there is no medicine or comforting words or busy tasks that can fix it. 


I turn 36 next Wednesday. My assumption is it will be one of the worst days besides Fathers day  I will have since his death.  It will be very difficult to celebrate anything anymore without Noah being a part of it. 


So that's where I am tonight. I've got it off my chest. I know that if I had the chance to ask Noah if he wanted to come back and live here again he would say "no" . I know he is in the best place. For now we will wait, do our best to make our days count and try and rediscover our purposes until we go to him.


Thanks for reading my words. If you pray, please pray for God to continue to help hold us together, comfort us as we mourn and give us purpose for the days ahead.  


JDC



4 Comments

Relief comes in different forms

7/22/2011

0 Comments

 
As many of you know, my three year old son Noah is in the fight of his life against brain cancer. On Tuesday July 20th my wife and I heard great news from his doctor. After an extensive MRI of his brain and spine, we were informed that Noah's tumor had not grown at all and there was no cause for concern on his spine! Thank you Jesus!

What a relief for us. We had prepared ourselves to hear the worst and got exactly what we didn't expect. God is good and we are so thankful Noah is ok. He has another MRi scheduled in 90 days and until then he is listed as stable. 

We have some very exciting changes in our life coming up. We cant share it all now but we know God is in control of all things and His way is perfect. Please pray for us in the weeks ahead. Thanks!
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Soulstock was awesome

5/25/2011

1 Comment

 
What a blast it was to be able to lead worship for over 15,000 people on Saturday may 21st at Soulstock in Decatur Alabama. Not only was the weather great, but the other bands, sound system and over all atmosphere was amazing.

I had such a blast playing with some very skilled musician and one very talented singer. Cory Lawson, Terry McNneal, Bobby Hendricks, Mark Sanchez, Joel Mann and Sandie Satterfield joined me on the stage for one great set. We led the crowd in worship just before Rick Burgess came and shared a very powerful message from his heart on following Jesus with boldness. It was a great message. 

I hope to have more opportunities in the future to lead worship and minister in song and spoken word. Just so you know, God has led me to never put a price tag on ministry. If  He asks me to go, that's where I am heading. So if you have an event where you could use me, send me an email at [email protected] and lets talk about it.
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