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The aftermath

8/2/2012

4 Comments

 
It's august second, 11 weeks - 77 days since Noah passed away. Not one minute that has passed makes any of this any easier. The fact is - it's only getting harder.


I am not really sure why I have a desire to write this down, but at one point in our life Noah's blog was a place to get our thoughts out of our head and that was sometimes a feeling of relief. Sometimes writing something down and getting it out releases some pressure built up in my head. So here goes - the rants of a man who has been damaged by the loss of his son. 


I said it's getting harder. It gets harder every day. Today I was in a retail store and walked by several Star Wars toys for the first time in 11 weeks. I stood in front of them and once again realized I will never purchase any toy for Noah again. There isn't a good word I can find to describe this feeling. It's like a black hole is suddenly created inside my heart and it immediately sucks out every happy thought I may have had that day. There is so much truth in that horrible phrase "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" but I don't feel that I didn't know what I had in Noah, I did. I had the greatest son a father could ever wish for. It seems like everything I see reminds me of what I will never have with him. He is gone. I will never get to do all of the things I dreamed of doing with him. 


Today I saw a parent running beside their child riding a bike in our neighbor hood - it brought pain. I bought tickets to a movie (Brave) the other day that we wanted to take Noah to before he died - it brought pain. I sat in Ruby Tuesdays restaurant at lunch and there were no crayons on the table, no fries thrown on the floor and no real reason to order cake for desert - it brought pain.
 The house we live in is such a bitter sweet environment. In one thought I am very glad to have such a nice place to sleep and in the next thought I can't stand to look at any part of it because just a short time ago He was here - He sat on this couch, he slept in that bed, he ate at that table, he bathed in that tub, he opened that fridge, he pushed that chair over to the counter, climbed on that counter and his hands grabbed that coffee mug. His hands turned on that coffee maker and he knew just how to fix my coffee. Every part of this house brings pain. 


Making coffee now just feels like a hammer hitting my heart. There is no escape from this great pain. He will never come back to us and the reality of that statement gets worse with every step of my day. 


I have kept myself very busy. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I am usually very tired and when I am tired all I want to do is see Noah. I watch videos of him and look at every little detail of his pictures but these things don't satisfy my heart. They only pacify the feeling of sadness that I have. 
I do my best not to suffer publicly. I don't have a real desire to try and explain the way I am feeling in person. People ask me how I am and I usually respond "good enough" - it's a great way to look someone in the eye and not lie to their face. If I told someone how I really felt every day I would probably scare most everyone I come in contact with. 


How do you tell someone "thanks for asking how I am, to answer your question - A huge piece of my life is gone and I am simply existing at this moment doing my best not to go crazy"   Nobody expects to hear that at a greeting and pretty soon that answer gets old to the hearers. 


I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on either. And I feel so weird writing all of this down, but a part of me wants to scream it to the world what it feels like to want to be a dad so badly, to have a son with every character strength I could desire, then to watch him suffer and eventually die a very painful death and then have the emptiness inside that you are no longer a dad and you will never hold your son again on this earth. I'm not looking for pity or for sympathetic words - I just need to say that the loss of Noah has left me so badly damaged that I don't know what to do. 


I have lost the reason for so many things in my life. I have lost so much of my purpose. I have lost so many dreams. 


There is a constant thought that I didn't do enough or that I did the wrong thing. For 11 weeks there has been no comfort or escape from these feelings. Unless you have experienced this event in your own life - losing your only child to a long drawn out fight against cancer, you have no idea what this feels like. There are no parallels. When these thoughts hit, the only thing to do is get busy doing something and escape - I have never been more busy in my life. 


Jessica and I have a strong marriage - she is definitely the better half, but we have lost that sense of being a family. It's one thing to be married 7 years and never have children of your own that you've raised. You don't have the complete mindset of a parent. You don't have the priorities of a parent. It's another thing to have a child, love that child with every fiber of your being, sacrifice for that child, build your world around that child, dream, teach, learn, discipline, laugh and play with that child and then loose them. One minute you are so proud of having your family, the next minute you don't feel like a family anymore. You are forced to cease looking at things the same. You feel guilty that you now have different priorities. You feel guilty having the T.V. on and loud after 9pm. I feel guilty deciding where to eat without considering what Noah would want. I feel guilty about going to a store to purchase something for myself without getting something for Noah. I feel guilty about even thinking of a vacation without Noah being part of the equation. I have lost my title as 'dad' and the sting


I LOVED being a dad. I was so proud to be Noah's dad. He brought me so much joy as my son. I loved watching Noah and Jessica. Her role as a mom was the most beautiful thing to watch. He loved her so much and they were so very close. She LOVED being noah's mom - and now the things we loved so much about our family died with Noah. 


Perhaps I am getting all of this out because on a night like tonight I don't want it all to stay in my head. For 11 weeks I have kept most of this inside. 


I'm missing Noah so badly that there is a physical pain in the sadness at times. And there is no medicine or comforting words or busy tasks that can fix it. 


I turn 36 next Wednesday. My assumption is it will be one of the worst days besides Fathers day  I will have since his death.  It will be very difficult to celebrate anything anymore without Noah being a part of it. 


So that's where I am tonight. I've got it off my chest. I know that if I had the chance to ask Noah if he wanted to come back and live here again he would say "no" . I know he is in the best place. For now we will wait, do our best to make our days count and try and rediscover our purposes until we go to him.


Thanks for reading my words. If you pray, please pray for God to continue to help hold us together, comfort us as we mourn and give us purpose for the days ahead.  


JDC



4 Comments
BB
8/3/2012 11:35:48 pm

Mr. Crowe:
I came to hear about you and your family's story through a mutual friend. My family has prayed for you and Noah for years as you have wandered through this difficult valley in your life.
As I read your latest blog entry, I wept for you. My spirit immediately identified with yours. Last December, I lost my wife of nearly 22 years to cancer. I so understand the struggle to trust God and find a good purpose...any good purpose. I understand the lack of identity when God chooses to take part of you due to nothing you did. I understand reminders everywhere and the inability to escape them in your home. I understand experiencing guilt and shame on days when you dare try to enjoy life. I understand the inexplicable internal struggle when people asked me how I was doing.
I have spent a great deal of time in a valley very similar to yours. And I wanted to offer you hope that God loves you, has never forsaken you, will heal you in His time, and has a good purpose in all this mess. As humans, we so often forget that His ways are not our ways - easy preaching, tough living for those who have no walked in your shoes. But having already lived through what I believe will be my most difficult days here on earth, God has proven faifhful and is healing me in ways that 4 months ago I would have considered impossible.
I am providing you the URL for my blog as a means of encouragement. My prayer is that it will help you understand that you are not alone in your emotional pain and struggle, and to trust in God and His plan in this stage of your journey.
A wise pastor friend of mine told me 4 weeks ago that God must really trust me to put me through a trial of this magnitude. Although I have no words to take away your sense of pain and loss, I believe that God has great plans for you and your wife, to use you for His glory in ways that you cannot imagine. I have no idea why He saw fit to allow this horrible event to occur and will not pretend that I do. But while we don't understand, just keep loving Him, trusting His heart, believing His promises, and He will deliver you and bring about His good purpose in your life.
Romans 8:28-29 were such difficult verses for me to read during the time that I was right where you are. But they are true, regardless of what I see or feel...so keep focusing on His truth when you don't understand. We are praying for you (Jeremiah 33:3)...

http://losingyourbest.wordpress.com/

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Martha Lynch
3/26/2013 01:21:28 am

I saw your beautiful video and I wanted to tell you it is so inspirational and you did a great job. I am sorry for your loss. You have been such an inspiration to so many people and it shows how you can endure the pain of losing a child with God by your side. I must say, I cried. May God continue to bless you and give you the comfort and peace needed.

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Jan
8/8/2013 03:47:03 am

I just want you to know I am praying for you and Jessica. I've been so touched by your beautiful song and Noah's pictures and videos.May God grant you peace and comfort you and your wife.

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Diann P Tarver
10/22/2014 04:30:07 am

Read your blog today, and i feel your pain. My Grandson, Lucas also lost his battle with cancer 6-9-08. He was my first Grandchild, and what a blessing he was, For 11 years he brought us much joy and happiness. I have felt my anguish, and also my Daughters. I know had it not been for her Daughter she would have taken her life just to stop the pain. I don't have any advice. I just pray that you and your wife can find peace. My heart goes out to you both.

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